10th September, 2021

How NOT To Sleep (the definitive list)

By Max Kirsten
How NOT To Sleep (the definitive list)

If you follow this list exactly or even in part you stand a great chance of achieving success at NOT sleeping. 

  1. Every day avoid as much natural sunlight as possible.
  2. Continue to drink coffee or any other caffeinated drink until after dinner
  3. Ideally the use of drinking water throughout the day should be kept to minimum, and only consume liquids in the in evening before bed. 
  4. The use of alcohol is permitted and encouraged, preferably each night, or certainly every weekend, and vaping nicotine late at night is also encouraged.
  5. Every day do as little exercise as possible, ideally walk 30 or 40 yards maximum per day, preferably in doors, or outside of little as possible, and spend the rest of the day seated.
  6. Throughout the day, but particularly during the evenings spend as much time as possible on smart phones, tablets and computer screens, ideally to the very last minute before you want to try to sleep.
  7. Keep all electronics nearby and charging switched on, you can set the devices to silent, but keep vibrate, and the screen brightness set to the maximum.
  8. Make sure that you have a warm bedroom, keep windows closed, you want to stuffy airless room.
  9. The bedroom should also have windows without any curtains or blackout blinds, only venetian blinds that let in the morning sunlight are permitted.
  10. Never use sleep masks, and the use of ear-plugs for sleep are completely banned.
  11. Make sure that throughout your home there are no carpets or anything that can reduce the sound of people moving around at night.
  12. Meals late at night are the only time at night you’re allowed to eat, eating before 7pm is not permitted, and anyone found eating earlier than an hour before bed, will be fined, and their bed will be removed.
  13. Always make sure that you go to bed at a different time every night, no regularity is allowed.
  14. Ideally, always make sure that you get up in a different time each morning, no regularity is allowed.
  15. Beds should only be of the lowest quality, and must pass the SAG test. If they don’t sag in the middle they will not be permitted.
  16. Pillows should ideally be unsupportive, or extremely uncomfortable for both.
  17. All duvets should consist of super warm high tog, and all sheets should be synthetic not cotton or of any natural fabric.
  18. All smartphones should be left on a hard surface by the bed ideally or on the floor where they can vibrate throughout the night even if there’s a spam email or text.
  19. Where possible bring your work home, and do emails and write documents in the bedroom.
  20. Always eat in the bedroom, and leave plates and drinks the finished or not finished on the floor around the room.
  21. The bedroom should be kept as untidy as possible, whenever possible, also leave work related items and any tax letters lying around.
  22. Televisions when switched off in the bedroom should always be on standby with the glowing red light, laptops should be left switched on by the bed glowing gently all-night, ideally plugged into the mains so that they don’t switch off, and giving off unnecessary extra heat.
  23. Before you go to bed, use the bathroom, clean teeth whatever is required in the most brightly lit room possible. As much light should be absorbed through the eyes before turning out the light sleep.
  24. ALWAYS try to sleep. Focus as hard as you can each night on trying to sleep!
  25. Always go to bed anxious about NOT being able to sleep.
  26. Cultivate anxiety and worry about not being able to sleep as much as possible while lying in bed.

*Repeat these simple rules every night and poor sleep is almost 100% guaranteed.